Life Goes On

One thing I've learned in the last few weeks is that life goes on.  The world does not stop turning when my world falls apart.  We allowed ourselves to be sad, frustrated, upset and a whole host of emotions.  But, every morning I've woken up, every day has continued and life has gone on.  I'm still sad, but life goes on and we will heal and we will have a family one day.

We've received a lot of questions about what's next and what are our plans.  We've also received a lot of unsolicited advice and questions.  So, I thought I'd take a few minutes to post an update.

For those just starting to follow our journey and not wanting to go back to beginning to find out how we got here, I'll give you the reader's digest version.
We've been trying to have a baby for two years. (Happy Anniversary to us next Monday)  After a year of trying and a whole host of tests my doctor referred us to Dr. Nelson at Huntington Reproductive Center in Pasadena.  Dr. Nelson and his team ran a battery of tests on both Ross and I.  It was ultimately determined that I have "unexplained infertility" due to irregular cycles (something I've had FOREVER).  So we were easily able to rule out the following (which are typically more common).

1. Male factor infertility (i.e. low sperm count, low or no motility, etc.) / translation Ross = A OK...haha, so it's me!  
2. Endometriosis or PCOS
3. Low Ovarian Reserve (egg count)

So, we tried clomid for 5 cycles and after that was fail after fail we took a few months off then decided to do IVF.  While the retrieval resulted in 10 eggs, only 9 were mature enough to do ICSI with and of that only 8 took.  We waited until Day 5 so that they could be biopsied and tested; at Day 5 only 4 were still viable.  2 were used for the first transfer and now we have two left for when we decide to do Frozen Embryo Transfer (FET).  FET will include its own round of shots and pills before transfer, but not nearly as much as the retrieval involved.  We have reviewed the reasons with Dr. Nelson as to why it didn't work and there are a couple of more tests to be done.  I'll be tested for a common (in about 1/3 of the population) bacteria,   If I have this bacteria I will just take an antibiotic to suppress/rid it for the duration of the FET cycle.  The test is a blood panel to tests for a blood clotting issue.  If I have this I'll just take baby aspirin and an anticoagulant for the FET cycle.  

What else I've done;

1. No caffeine since July 2014
2. Minimal fast food since August 2014 (Starbucks, Panera, Chipotle and In-n-Out have been it - with ONE jack in the box chicken strip exception the day of my egg retrieval)
3. Reduced my intake of processed foods; generally follow a fairly clean diet with about 65% being organic
4. Very little alcohol consumption
5. Nothing for headaches besides Tylenol since I started the process last July 

Just a few other things:

1. You can't "catch" infertility from me - it's not a cold.  
2. Just because it didn't work this time doesn't mean it won't work
3. 1 in 8 couples suffer from infertility
4. 1 in 4 women suffer a miscarriage
5. There are a lot of "old wives tales" don't listen to them; rely on actual research
6. If you don't like or trust your doctor, find one that you do like
7. Everyone is different, just because my mom and sister had no problems conceiving doesn't mean that it would be easy for me
8. Getting pregnant is NOT easy; it doesn't always "just happen"
9. The "normal" person's average change of becoming pregnant each month is 18-20% 
10. My average change was less than 5% (unassisted by fertility treatments)

I'm Hungry...At Least When Coming Out of Sedation

I know some people have been waiting for this update, so here it is.

On Wednesday morning Ross and I arrived for our appointment before anyone else was there (except a few nurses).  I was promptly taken back into the recovery room area and given about six different notices, disclosures, authorizations, whatever the heck else I needed to sign that morning.  I was then asked to get into the hospital gown, socks and hair cover.  Pretty look let me tell you.

After that I went with the nurse to the procedure room.  The table/bed was small, very narrow and short.  So short in fact about 8-12 inches of my legs and feet hung off the table.  She hooked me up to the blood pressure cuff, the pulse ox and an IV.  I was shivering I was so cold, so she got me another blanket.  Yeah, it was in a warmer.  Then I was strapped in.  Seriously, there was a strap across my torso and my arms were under it.  Good luck scratching an itch on your nose, not gonna happen.  I was told that the anesthesiologist would be in shortly.  Good, maybe he can scratch my nose.

Sure enough here he came, a cute, little old man, but not the kind of old that makes you think "can this guy still do his job?" but still probably in his late sixties.  He kind of looked like Jepeto from Pinocchio.  He was incredibly nice and comforting.  He talked a lot, I'm sure to help calm me down as I was back to shaking like a leaf. He told me the first thing he was going to give me was something to calm my nerves a little, so of course I said "oh like Xanax" and he laughed and replied that it was from the same classification.  He continued to talk and tell me stories and ask me questions, I'm sure he was just making sure the drug was doing its job.  After a few minutes he said, well the doctor is here so I'm going to give you the next medication and put you on oxygen.  I remember him taking my glasses off and putting the oxygen on, but after that nighty nite!

The next thing I remember the anesthesiologist was talking to me again and taking off the oxygen.  He put my glasses back on me, but holy hell, they were so blurry.  I thought I'd lost my vision somewhat.  Then he started giggling and said "whoops, those are my reading glasses" LOL, silly man.
I hear the nurses saying Heather can you help us move into the bed, I remember saying yes, but the next thing I know I'm back in recovery and telling the nurse I'm hungry and I want to see my husband.  LOL.

The nurses brought me crackers and juice and of course got Ross.  Pretty impressive that I wanted to eat as soon as I was moderately coherent.  I had to stay a little longer until the doctor came back with my instructions, but after about 15 minutes in recovery I was up, using the restroom and back into my clothes.

After we saw the doctor we were able to leave.  Total time there, just about 3 hours.

On the way home I told Ross I was hungry (again) so we stopped at Corner Bakery Cafe and he went in and got me eggs, bacon and potatoes.  YUM!  I then laid around on the couch all day, my sister came over and brought me Starbucks and made me a grilled cheese for lunch.  Then my mom came after work so that Ross could leave (this lucky guy got to go to the Masters Golf Tournament in Augusta on Friday and I wasn't going to stop him from that).  Then came my sister again with some magazines, a cake, Gatorade and dinner.  They are awesome!  My mom spent the night to make sure I was still good.  Uncomfortable, yes, but overall decent.

I know, enough about all that, what is the report.  The doctor was able to retrieve 10 eggs, 9 were viable and by Thursday afternoon 8 were embryos!  We've got 8 people!!!
My sister celebrated by bringing me this cake.

What's next, well because I'm over 35 I have opted for PGS which is preimplantation genetic screening.  We will get our report on Monday.

But, here's the disappointing news (or maybe not)...I'm going dark.  That's right, I'm going to take a break from blogging about our adventure for a while.  So, this will be the last update until I'm ready to share any new news.  No telling when our transfer will be or what that experience will be like.  Sorry folks.  I do love sharing with everyone, but we thought this was part of it that we would keep to ourselves.

Thank you for your support in our journey.

Bag of Rocks!

I've been saying for a few days now that I feel like I'm carrying around a bag of rocks in my lower abdomen.  Like seriously a bag of rocks may fall from my uterus at any time!  And, who forgot to mention that I'd have to pee about five thousand times a day?  All side effects of the phase of the IVF cycle that I'm in.

Today marks a very important day, no more Menpur (the shot that burns) and no more Follistem (the one that looks like a pen and was the easiest by far).  I do have one more shot of Ganirelix for tonight at precisely 6pm.  Then at precisely 830pm I will happily inject myself with Pregnyl - my trigger shot!  The only one I've been looking forward to.  When it's time for the trigger shot that means it's time for retrieval.

Found out this morning that retrieval will be this Wednesday (don't bother calling or texting, I'll probably be drooling on myself for most of the day as I'm being put out).  Instructions also say no driving and to have someone with you.   I was laughing at this, I mean to me it's obvious that if you're knocked out for a surgery that someone should be driving you.  Right?  Anyone else with me on this one?

I'm curious to know how many they'll be able to retrieve.  Right now there are 14-16 follicles that are the right size and ready to go, but you never know what will produce.

So for a few more days I'll carry around my bag of rocks because I know that those are my follicles ready to do their job.

Anyone want to hold up my bag of rocks?

The Life of IVF

As many of you know who have been following our journey that we intended on having a "Honeymoon Baby".  We know we're a bit older than most first time parents and with that in mind we had no qualms about starting our family right away.  Nearly two years later, still no baby.

In June 2014 we visited Huntington Reproductive Center (HRC) in Pasadena at the referral of my gynocologist (who after quite a bit of testing determined she could no longer help me).  Dr. Nelson at HRC has been nothing short of fantastic.  We've made all the decisions, he's just been there telling us our options.  So, from July - late November we did 5 rounds of Clomid +HCG Trigger shots hoping that would help us make a baby.  But, still no luck.

We knew that we were vacationing in Hawaii for New Years and didn't want the added stress of timing medications, doctor's visits, etc.  so we made the decision to take December/January off from medical treatments.

In early February after several phone calls, consultations and research we decided to embark upon IVF.

I said I would NEVER EVER EVER do IVF.  I said that if we couldn't get pregnant then we'd just adopt.  Well, things change!  I said that because I don't like needles...well, who does really?  But I mean I REALLY don't like needles.  I mean I still take my mom with me every time I have to have blood drawn, so how the hell would I make it through 11 days of giving myself injections for IVF?  The determination to not give up hope, that's how we're getting though this.

In mid-February I started the medication, thank goodness it was just oral.  Then when the time was right I'd start the injections (HELP I HATE NEEDLES)!!!!

Needless to say what feels like thousands of drugs (and dollars) later I have an arsenal of injectable medications in my home and TWO sharps containers!  Who am I?

I've experienced every other day blood draws (several of which I've gone and done on my own thank you very much) and injecting myself with what started out as two syringes of medication a night to now three!

I started with menopur in a regular syringe and follistem in what looks like a pen (twist top to the right dose, recap...pretty cool).  Then we added ganreilex just two days ago, which is another standard syringe style.

So, let me tell you how the first injections went.   We were embarking on Wedding Weekend for my lovely mini-me Kaley.  First day of injection = Friday.  Guess what else was Friday, the rehearsal dinner.  So, I packed up my medication in a cooler (yes, Menopur and Follistem have to be kept cold), syringes, alcohol wipes and sharps container and waited for my sister to pick me up for our night out.  Needless to say as I was getting in her car with my Styrofoam cooler she laughed, heck, I would have laughed too, I looked like I was bringing fresh packed fish to the party!  Could I have left the drugs at home and left the party early, yes.  But the best part of the night was going to happen later and I didn't want to miss it (my mom, the brides mom and their friend performing selections from Mama Mia and the Supremes! - I DIED!!!).  So, around 745pm my sister who agreed to give me my first injections (remember I'm a HUGE needle phobe and wimp) slipped off to the bedroom with my mom, and Sharon, my mom's friend in tow.  We prepped and I was shaking like a leaf, my sister kept telling me she'd watched the injection video's and knew what she was doing.  Finally the moment of truth.  I plopped down on the bed and put a pillow over my face.  My mom stood to my side and was distracting me with stories.  My sister prepped my skin and then I felt the pinch...here goes.  Holy fudge that thing freaking hurts...I whimper, I cry a little I tell her to stop, but then it's over.  But wait, there's still one more.  Sharon proceeds to coach her on this one, go slower when injecting the medication, but pinch the skin this way to get the needle to go in better.  I was begging them to not to do it!  It was quite the sight, someone should have caught this on tape.  But, the second one wasn't nearly as bad.

The next night my husband was going to do them.  Small snag, two of our nieces were spending the night.  So, I grew quite brave as they were upstairs showering and I said to Ross "okay, now, let's do this"  As I was laying down on the couch we heard the girls running around upstairs...times up gotta do this.  I had one in my hand looked at Ross and punched it into my stomach.  I did it, I did it myself.  I was so pleased with myself that by the time the girls got downstairs I was laughing.  So, with Ross as my coach, one niece the videographer and the other (who wants to be a nurse by the way) right next to me I plunged the second one into my stomach.  And, just like that the second day of injections were done.  We had to move on to pizza and the Kids Choice Awards you know.

The third night was just as hilarious as the previous two.  We were at the wedding I previously mentioned.  So, because I was at the venue most of the day I had Ross package up my medications in the Styrofoam cooler and bring them with him (he took Uber by the way!!)  So when it was time, my mom and I went out to my SUV, popped the back open and I hopped in and lifted my dress (hey I was wearing Spanx (the long shorts kind) and proceeded to inject myself in the parking lot!

Needless to say after those first three nights I thought I was a pro!  Then day 6 guess what, add a third shot to the mix!  The nurse warned me, the needle is more dull than the others, you'll really have to push it in.  OUCH!! HELLO!!  Are you kidding me?  However, she followed that up with ice your stomach first.  Best advice ever!

So now I am one three shots a day + 3 pills a day!  You know what else come with this, about 5 pounds of weight between your belly button and your lower lady bits!  So swollen that I'm needing to wear stretchy things like maxi skirts, dresses and workout wear.  Today however I'm rocking jeans with a freaking belly band - yep, much cheaper than buying new clothes right now.  To be honest it's not that my jeans don't fit, I can button them, but because everything inside is enlarged the pressure hurts (not to mention you can play connect the dots on my stomach between the red needle injection sites and the bluish/yellow bruises).

Soon things will be different, there will be retrieval day, more medications, transfer day, bed rest and more medications.  But...we're crossing our fingers for the family we've been dreaming of.

Progress

After a very disappointing start to fertility treatments (my body just wasn't doing what it should) we got some good news today.  My body is starting to respond!   No this isn't code for "we're pregnant" it just means that my lady bits are starting to do things they are supposed to be doing.

One of the most frustrating things is taking medications; going to office visits with every exam under the sun and then hearing, "I'm sorry, it's just not doing what we want it to be doing".  Well...how do we make that happen?

Crossing our fingers that my body continues on this path of positive response.

~~

Join Us for the Walk of Hope: http://familybuilding.resolve.org/goto/gardiners

I'm Just Trying to Help

We know that most people mean well, but if you've never been in our shoes, we can't expect you to always know what is okay to say and what is not.

Some days are easy, some days are hard and some days you don't want to do anything but yell and be angry.  We've learned, this is all normal and okay.  We've also learned that some days we want to talk about it and are okay sharing our process, and other days, we don't even want someone to mention the word baby.  It's a tricky situation, but trust me, we'll never bite your head off over it, we totally understand.

We recently saw this article online and while I didn't think some of the comments bothered us, I realized, afterwards, that yes, yes I do agree with this.  Redbook magazine published the article "Four Things to Never Say to a Friend Who's Been Trying" 


Support the Walk of Hope, visit our donation page: CLICK HERE

The Walk of Hope

We're not like everyone else; we're like 1 in 6 or 1 in 8 (depending on the research) couples.  We are struggling with infertility.  Having a baby seemed like a pretty easy task right, not so much for us.

After a year of trying to conceive on our own, with random suggestions of try it this way, eat this, drink that, take this, we decided to seek out a professional (sorry friends, you're all professionals in your own right, but unfortunately not with out fertility).  We went to Huntington Fertility Center (HRC) in Pasadena to meet with the incredible Dr. Nelson and his team of wonderful nurses. 

We'll be doing a walk in September called the Walk of Hope. Below is my page for the walk

The Southern California Walk of Hope is an event put on by Resolve: The National Infertility Association.  

RESOLVE’s Walk of Hope is a 1-mile walk that recognizes the many ways in which families are built, supports local support and programs for the 7.3 million women and men living with infertility and raises public understanding of how the disease of infertility impacts families nationwide.

 The Walk of Hope is being held in several locations across the country. Funds raised from the Walk support local RESOLVE programming which includes support groups and educational events, public awareness initiatives, and advocacy efforts to ensure family building options are available to all!

 The name "Walk of Hope" embodies the emotion that most people living with infertility feel. They are hopeful their dreams of family come true. Some hope to simply find a peaceful resolution to their infertility journey. A Walk of Hope is an event that represents the infertility journey—a series of small steps, each one filled with hope and a reminder that no one should walk on this journey alone.

Infertility affects 1 in 8 or 1 in 6 (depending which study you read) couples.  That number is amazing to me.  Wouldn't I know someone that had infertility issues?  Wouldn't I know that people worked really hard to get their little bundle of joy?  The answer is no.  What I've realized is that there is a lot of shame, self deprecation and anxiety that usually engulfs individuals with infertility struggles.  I know this, because I'm one of them.  You find yourself saying things like "well if I would have just ate better, or worked out sooner, or..." and the list goes on.  But the fact of the matter is, there probably isn't anything that could have been done differently. We've learned this and continue to make progress with our acceptance of this as the days go on.  We also know that being childless is not permanent.  We will be parents one day, no matter how we get there.  As we've opened up to people, we've found we are certainly not alone and guess what WE do know people who are currently or have struggled with infertility issues in the past.  It's comforting to share stories with each other.  The wonderful part for us is that most of these people now have one or more children in their lives.  That is extremely encouraging.

While the journey and process have been painful at times, we know there is a light at the end of the tunnel and we'll continue towards that light to the arms of a child that's waiting for us to be it's parents.  

Many thanks for your support.

If you'd like to join us for the walk on September 21, 2014 please let me know, we'd love to have you there.  Or, if you'd like to donate, we have a page for that too.  CLICK HERE or copy and paste http://familybuilding.resolve.org/goto/gardiners in to your browser.