When One Door Closes...

It sometimes hits you in the ass or smacks you in the face.  I know the rest of the saying "When one door closes" is that "Another door opens".  But right now I'm struggling with that.

Enough with the veiled message.  We went through the IVF embryo transfer process and had two transferred.  I found out on Monday that I was indeed pregnant (YEAH) but that my levels were very low (NOT YEAH - actually sad and scary).

1. Able to get pregnant = AWESOME
2. Low numbers = return visit in a few days
3. Low numbers = possibly not retaining pregnancy
4. Low numbers = lots of questions and frustrations

So, needless to say I spent a few worrisome days waiting for that next blood test (me actually wanting a blood test...crazy, that's how far I've come in this process).

Thursday afternoon I got the call I didn't want to get.  My level went from 23 on Monday to 2 on Thursday, meaning my sesame seed (that's the size at 5 weeks) was deciding that it's not our time to be parents.

I know some of you are thinking, wait you are already 5 weeks.  Yes, when you do IVF things run a little differently.  When I had my embryo transfer they were already 2 weeks and 6 days.

So, back to my door closing.  I'm frustrated, hurt, sad, confused and most of all disappointed.  We do have another door opening though, I'm just not ready to open it yet.  We have two more embryos ready  to go when we are ready to embark upon this journey again.

Too many quetions are swirling right now to concentrate on that yet.

• What did I do wrong?
• What could I do differently?
• Why did this happen to me?
• This isn't fair!
• Everyone sucks
• I hate the lady that brings her baby to the Reproductive Center (seriously, I felt like she's been there the last couple of times, they post a sign out side that says "Out of the respect for others, please no children" - clearly she doesn't feel that applies to her.  I also want to tell her "please, you have an infant, get the hell out of here and let those of use who have nothing try you greedy woman"

Thank you everyone for all your support and love, we truly appreciate it.

National Infertility Awareness Week

For those of you that are friends with me on Facebook you know that I (and my amazingly supportive sister) have been posting about National Infertility Awareness Week - which is this week.  What I didn't realize is that my posts into the Group Board were PUBLIC!!!  Oppsy!  Which means some of you saw my comment that I was six days post transfer!  So to answer the question, YES, embryo transfer has happened.  So why don't I start there.

On April 14 we got the report that 4 of our 8 embryos had grown large enough to be tested through the PGS/D.  So, on that morning I had two of the four transferred.  Yep, I've got two embies in my body right now!  I went home that day and was only allowed to get up to use the restroom, and only allowed to sit up to eat.  I was then on very light activity for the following two days and returned to work on Friday (but no taking the stairs! LOL).  It's not business as usual yet, I still can't work out, can't lift more than 10 pounds, limit my up/down the stairs activity, so basically I'm doing a lot of sitting on my behind and slow walking.  I'm still on an arsenal of drugs, progesterone lozenges that taste like grape chalk - lucky me they are to be placed under the tongue three times per day and allowed to dissolve! (GAG).  Endometrin, Estrace, Prenatal Vitamin, Baby Aspirin and Follic Acid rounds out the group.  I'm taking things morning, noon and night.  But the good thing, NO MORE SHOTS!!!
So, now we are in what is called the two week wait or TWW (I'm learning all kinds of acronyms) and I'm about to pull my hair out!  We will continue to think positive thoughts and BELIEVE that at least one of our two embies will stick.

The photo below is of an ornament that my sister gave to Ross and I at Christmas time this past year.  I'm going to dig it out of my ornament box tonight and bring it in the house.  It's not just for Christmas anymore.

More about National Infertility Awareness Week!!
There are several published studies that say 1 in 8 couples are affected by infertility.  That number is so high, I bet I'm not the only person you know that has been struggling with this.  In my case we have been diagnosed with "undiagnosed infertility" which kind of sucks because that means we  don't really know what is causing it.  I don't have PCOS, I don't have endometriosis, I don't have diminished ovarian reserve, Ross isn't shooting blanks...so yeah, not knowing what it really is sucks.  But, the good news is, I am not alone, there are many out there that fall into this same category.

So, here's some statistics for you (in case you wanted to know, and if you don't you can just stop reading now, there is nothing else after this).

Fast Facts About Infertility

Infertility is a disease that results in the abnormal functioning of the male or female reproductive system. The  World Health Organization, the American Society for Reproductive Medicine (ASRM), and the American College of Obstetricians and Gynecologists (ACOG) recognize infertility as a disease.

Infertility is defined as the inability to conceive after one year of unprotected intercourse (six months if the woman is over age 35) or the inability to carry a pregnancy to live birth.

• 7.4 million women, or 11.9% of women, have ever received any infertility services in their lifetime. (2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth, CDC)
• 1 in 8 couples (or 12% of married women) have trouble getting pregnant or sustaining a pregnancy. (2006-2010 National Survey of Family Growth, CDC)
• Approximately one-third of infertility is attributed to the female partner, one-third attributed to the male partner and one-third is caused by a combination of problems in both partners or, is unexplained. (www.asrm.org)
• A couple ages 29-33 with a normal functioning reproductive system has only a 20-25% chance of conceiving in any given month (National Women’s Health Resource Center). After six months of trying, 60% of couples will conceive without medical assistance. (Infertility As A Covered Benefit, William M. Mercer, 1997)
• Approximately 44% of women with infertility have sought medical assistance. Of those who seek medical intervention, approximately 65% give birth. (Infertility As A Covered Benefit, William M. Mercer, 1997)
• Approximately 85-90% of infertility cases are treated with drug therapy or surgical procedures. Fewer than 3% need advanced reproductive technologies like in vitro fertilization (IVF). (www.asrm.org)
• The most recently available statistics indicate the live birth rate per fresh non-donor embryo transfer is 47.7% if the woman is under 35 years of age and  39.2% if the woman is age 35-37. (Society for Assisted Reproductive Technology, 2013)
• Fifteen states have either an insurance mandate to offer or an insurance mandate to cover some level of infertility treatment. Eight of those states have an insurance mandate that requires qualified employers to include IVF coverage in their plans offered to their employees: Arkansas, Connecticut, Hawaii, Illinois, Maryland, Massachusetts, New Jersey, and Rhode Island.
• A study published in the New England Journal of Medicine (August 2002) found that the percentage of high-order pregnancies (those with three or more fetuses) was greater in states that did not require insurance coverage for IVF. The authors of the study noted that mandatory coverage is likely to yield better health outcomes for women and their infants since high-order births are associated with higher-risk pregnancies.
• The Affordable Care Act (ACA) does not require coverage for infertility treatments. Those states with an infertility mandate that covers IVF may have chosen an Essential Health Benefits (EHB) benchmark plan that includes the IVF mandate. The EHB impacts the individual and small group markets only in each state.

Updated 04/19/2015

From http://www.resolve.org/about/fast-facts-about-fertility.html

I'm Hungry...At Least When Coming Out of Sedation

I know some people have been waiting for this update, so here it is.

On Wednesday morning Ross and I arrived for our appointment before anyone else was there (except a few nurses).  I was promptly taken back into the recovery room area and given about six different notices, disclosures, authorizations, whatever the heck else I needed to sign that morning.  I was then asked to get into the hospital gown, socks and hair cover.  Pretty look let me tell you.

After that I went with the nurse to the procedure room.  The table/bed was small, very narrow and short.  So short in fact about 8-12 inches of my legs and feet hung off the table.  She hooked me up to the blood pressure cuff, the pulse ox and an IV.  I was shivering I was so cold, so she got me another blanket.  Yeah, it was in a warmer.  Then I was strapped in.  Seriously, there was a strap across my torso and my arms were under it.  Good luck scratching an itch on your nose, not gonna happen.  I was told that the anesthesiologist would be in shortly.  Good, maybe he can scratch my nose.

Sure enough here he came, a cute, little old man, but not the kind of old that makes you think "can this guy still do his job?" but still probably in his late sixties.  He kind of looked like Jepeto from Pinocchio.  He was incredibly nice and comforting.  He talked a lot, I'm sure to help calm me down as I was back to shaking like a leaf. He told me the first thing he was going to give me was something to calm my nerves a little, so of course I said "oh like Xanax" and he laughed and replied that it was from the same classification.  He continued to talk and tell me stories and ask me questions, I'm sure he was just making sure the drug was doing its job.  After a few minutes he said, well the doctor is here so I'm going to give you the next medication and put you on oxygen.  I remember him taking my glasses off and putting the oxygen on, but after that nighty nite!

The next thing I remember the anesthesiologist was talking to me again and taking off the oxygen.  He put my glasses back on me, but holy hell, they were so blurry.  I thought I'd lost my vision somewhat.  Then he started giggling and said "whoops, those are my reading glasses" LOL, silly man.
I hear the nurses saying Heather can you help us move into the bed, I remember saying yes, but the next thing I know I'm back in recovery and telling the nurse I'm hungry and I want to see my husband.  LOL.

The nurses brought me crackers and juice and of course got Ross.  Pretty impressive that I wanted to eat as soon as I was moderately coherent.  I had to stay a little longer until the doctor came back with my instructions, but after about 15 minutes in recovery I was up, using the restroom and back into my clothes.

After we saw the doctor we were able to leave.  Total time there, just about 3 hours.

On the way home I told Ross I was hungry (again) so we stopped at Corner Bakery Cafe and he went in and got me eggs, bacon and potatoes.  YUM!  I then laid around on the couch all day, my sister came over and brought me Starbucks and made me a grilled cheese for lunch.  Then my mom came after work so that Ross could leave (this lucky guy got to go to the Masters Golf Tournament in Augusta on Friday and I wasn't going to stop him from that).  Then came my sister again with some magazines, a cake, Gatorade and dinner.  They are awesome!  My mom spent the night to make sure I was still good.  Uncomfortable, yes, but overall decent.

I know, enough about all that, what is the report.  The doctor was able to retrieve 10 eggs, 9 were viable and by Thursday afternoon 8 were embryos!  We've got 8 people!!!
My sister celebrated by bringing me this cake.

What's next, well because I'm over 35 I have opted for PGS which is preimplantation genetic screening.  We will get our report on Monday.

But, here's the disappointing news (or maybe not)...I'm going dark.  That's right, I'm going to take a break from blogging about our adventure for a while.  So, this will be the last update until I'm ready to share any new news.  No telling when our transfer will be or what that experience will be like.  Sorry folks.  I do love sharing with everyone, but we thought this was part of it that we would keep to ourselves.

Thank you for your support in our journey.

Bag of Rocks!

I've been saying for a few days now that I feel like I'm carrying around a bag of rocks in my lower abdomen.  Like seriously a bag of rocks may fall from my uterus at any time!  And, who forgot to mention that I'd have to pee about five thousand times a day?  All side effects of the phase of the IVF cycle that I'm in.

Today marks a very important day, no more Menpur (the shot that burns) and no more Follistem (the one that looks like a pen and was the easiest by far).  I do have one more shot of Ganirelix for tonight at precisely 6pm.  Then at precisely 830pm I will happily inject myself with Pregnyl - my trigger shot!  The only one I've been looking forward to.  When it's time for the trigger shot that means it's time for retrieval.

Found out this morning that retrieval will be this Wednesday (don't bother calling or texting, I'll probably be drooling on myself for most of the day as I'm being put out).  Instructions also say no driving and to have someone with you.   I was laughing at this, I mean to me it's obvious that if you're knocked out for a surgery that someone should be driving you.  Right?  Anyone else with me on this one?

I'm curious to know how many they'll be able to retrieve.  Right now there are 14-16 follicles that are the right size and ready to go, but you never know what will produce.

So for a few more days I'll carry around my bag of rocks because I know that those are my follicles ready to do their job.

Anyone want to hold up my bag of rocks?

The Life of IVF

As many of you know who have been following our journey that we intended on having a "Honeymoon Baby".  We know we're a bit older than most first time parents and with that in mind we had no qualms about starting our family right away.  Nearly two years later, still no baby.

In June 2014 we visited Huntington Reproductive Center (HRC) in Pasadena at the referral of my gynocologist (who after quite a bit of testing determined she could no longer help me).  Dr. Nelson at HRC has been nothing short of fantastic.  We've made all the decisions, he's just been there telling us our options.  So, from July - late November we did 5 rounds of Clomid +HCG Trigger shots hoping that would help us make a baby.  But, still no luck.

We knew that we were vacationing in Hawaii for New Years and didn't want the added stress of timing medications, doctor's visits, etc.  so we made the decision to take December/January off from medical treatments.

In early February after several phone calls, consultations and research we decided to embark upon IVF.

I said I would NEVER EVER EVER do IVF.  I said that if we couldn't get pregnant then we'd just adopt.  Well, things change!  I said that because I don't like needles...well, who does really?  But I mean I REALLY don't like needles.  I mean I still take my mom with me every time I have to have blood drawn, so how the hell would I make it through 11 days of giving myself injections for IVF?  The determination to not give up hope, that's how we're getting though this.

In mid-February I started the medication, thank goodness it was just oral.  Then when the time was right I'd start the injections (HELP I HATE NEEDLES)!!!!

Needless to say what feels like thousands of drugs (and dollars) later I have an arsenal of injectable medications in my home and TWO sharps containers!  Who am I?

I've experienced every other day blood draws (several of which I've gone and done on my own thank you very much) and injecting myself with what started out as two syringes of medication a night to now three!

I started with menopur in a regular syringe and follistem in what looks like a pen (twist top to the right dose, recap...pretty cool).  Then we added ganreilex just two days ago, which is another standard syringe style.

So, let me tell you how the first injections went.   We were embarking on Wedding Weekend for my lovely mini-me Kaley.  First day of injection = Friday.  Guess what else was Friday, the rehearsal dinner.  So, I packed up my medication in a cooler (yes, Menopur and Follistem have to be kept cold), syringes, alcohol wipes and sharps container and waited for my sister to pick me up for our night out.  Needless to say as I was getting in her car with my Styrofoam cooler she laughed, heck, I would have laughed too, I looked like I was bringing fresh packed fish to the party!  Could I have left the drugs at home and left the party early, yes.  But the best part of the night was going to happen later and I didn't want to miss it (my mom, the brides mom and their friend performing selections from Mama Mia and the Supremes! - I DIED!!!).  So, around 745pm my sister who agreed to give me my first injections (remember I'm a HUGE needle phobe and wimp) slipped off to the bedroom with my mom, and Sharon, my mom's friend in tow.  We prepped and I was shaking like a leaf, my sister kept telling me she'd watched the injection video's and knew what she was doing.  Finally the moment of truth.  I plopped down on the bed and put a pillow over my face.  My mom stood to my side and was distracting me with stories.  My sister prepped my skin and then I felt the pinch...here goes.  Holy fudge that thing freaking hurts...I whimper, I cry a little I tell her to stop, but then it's over.  But wait, there's still one more.  Sharon proceeds to coach her on this one, go slower when injecting the medication, but pinch the skin this way to get the needle to go in better.  I was begging them to not to do it!  It was quite the sight, someone should have caught this on tape.  But, the second one wasn't nearly as bad.

The next night my husband was going to do them.  Small snag, two of our nieces were spending the night.  So, I grew quite brave as they were upstairs showering and I said to Ross "okay, now, let's do this"  As I was laying down on the couch we heard the girls running around upstairs...times up gotta do this.  I had one in my hand looked at Ross and punched it into my stomach.  I did it, I did it myself.  I was so pleased with myself that by the time the girls got downstairs I was laughing.  So, with Ross as my coach, one niece the videographer and the other (who wants to be a nurse by the way) right next to me I plunged the second one into my stomach.  And, just like that the second day of injections were done.  We had to move on to pizza and the Kids Choice Awards you know.

The third night was just as hilarious as the previous two.  We were at the wedding I previously mentioned.  So, because I was at the venue most of the day I had Ross package up my medications in the Styrofoam cooler and bring them with him (he took Uber by the way!!)  So when it was time, my mom and I went out to my SUV, popped the back open and I hopped in and lifted my dress (hey I was wearing Spanx (the long shorts kind) and proceeded to inject myself in the parking lot!

Needless to say after those first three nights I thought I was a pro!  Then day 6 guess what, add a third shot to the mix!  The nurse warned me, the needle is more dull than the others, you'll really have to push it in.  OUCH!! HELLO!!  Are you kidding me?  However, she followed that up with ice your stomach first.  Best advice ever!

So now I am one three shots a day + 3 pills a day!  You know what else come with this, about 5 pounds of weight between your belly button and your lower lady bits!  So swollen that I'm needing to wear stretchy things like maxi skirts, dresses and workout wear.  Today however I'm rocking jeans with a freaking belly band - yep, much cheaper than buying new clothes right now.  To be honest it's not that my jeans don't fit, I can button them, but because everything inside is enlarged the pressure hurts (not to mention you can play connect the dots on my stomach between the red needle injection sites and the bluish/yellow bruises).

Soon things will be different, there will be retrieval day, more medications, transfer day, bed rest and more medications.  But...we're crossing our fingers for the family we've been dreaming of.